75th Birthday

My 75th birthday is soon to be here and I have mixed feelings about it. I have always looked forward to my birthday. Why not. It was also a gift day and time spent with family and friends. This year I feel differently. Am I starting to think about getting old. How can that be? I have never considered myself as old, or getting older. I have always refused to think about age and acted accordingly.

This past year I have noticed that I have started to slow down, both physically and mentally. The arthritis is starting to bother me more, much more. How dare it interfere with my favourite passtime…. walking with my friend. Now it is becoming much more of an effort to get around. The feet to the hips really hurt.  I wonder now how much longer I will be able to carry on with my greatest pleasure.

 

And then, there is the brain. This has surely slowed down considerably. I know we all forget where we “put the butter”when we can’t find it in the refrigerator, but I am not so good with names and numbers anymore, either.

I never used to think about these things but lately they are on my mind a lot.

I have started to go back to church, which gives me great comfort, especially the hymns and I love to sing the older ones, even with my off key voice.

At the moment I am not so happy with my life. What can I do to fix this. I pray that God will help me with this feeling as I know I have so much to be happy about. So much good in my life.  Friends, Family.

I think the feeling I have  is that I don’t feel loved, and everyone needs that feeling. I know my children love me and  my  grandchildren  love me. How lucky can that be.

 

So, what is wrong with me? And how do I get over this awful feeling? God, help me.

Thanksgiving Dinner

I had my family Thanksgiving Dinner yesterday. I suppose ev ery family has some controversy in it, but why does mine always seem the worst.

My brother came, which was so special as he is going in for an operation on colin cancer on the 13th. He has had chemo and radiation and has suffered greatly and still made the effort to drive for an hour and a half to come for dinner.

My 2 sons and family also came, with one exception. The daughter in law who lives closest to me couldn’t leave her dog , only for a very short time, came while we were eating dinner with my grandson and a friend, stayed long enough to eat dinner, and then left. All because of a dog… I think not. We also have a dog, as do the others, and they can be left. The good part in all this is, my son came on his own and stayed much later and talked and laughed with the rest.

Only a mother can understand what it feels like to hear your family sit around and talk and laugh and tell tales about other times when they were younger. All those things I didn’t know. Where was I when they were going on? I felt like God was here yesterday to give them peace from their problems for a short time, and to let them relax in this way.

I got ahead of myself for a time.

 

As we sat around the table and said God’s Grace I couldn’t help but think– this is the only time that any of these people  say Grace, with the exception of my niece. To have them sit at my table, hold hands and join in praise  and thanks to our Father is one small thing that I can do 3 or 4 times a year.

Dinner turned our perfect and one of my sons (the one you would least expect to say anything) stopped in the middle of eating and remarked that, although dinners were always good, this was by far the best he had ever had, and they all agreed. He said he didn’t know why he felt that way, but the whole afternoon had been that way, and my brother agreed.

Do you think God had reached them in some small way?

I think we do not think about all the things we have to be thankful for, and sometimes seem to dwell on the negative.  As tired as I was last night after cleaning up leftovers, etc. I lay in bed and couldn’t help but think of some of my blessings, especially my kids. Mind you, I have been really mad at them sometimes, but love them dearly. I just wish I could take away all their hurts, but no one can do that for them, and I think they need to get much older before they realize what once seemed so important is not at all, especially material things.

I only wish they would come to the Lord. My younger son did for a time, but has drifted away long ago. My oldest son does not want anything to do with church or religion. How can I change that.

If anyone reads this please pray for my sons and their families, that they would one day  turn to the Lord and be filled with His Peace.

God Bless Them All.

I love them so.

 

Bible Study

Last night I went to a Bible Study,titled Battlefield of the Mind.

I was more than a little hesitant about going to this study, although I had taken it before, but with different people. I had such a feeling of inadequacy, feeling that most of these people were so much more advanced in their knowledge of God. Even though I very rarely express myself in front of strangers, is it because I am afraid that they might think me “stupid” or that I think of myself as lacking in faith, and do not want others to realize it? I know when it comes to personal things, I try not to say much in front of people I do not know quite well. I am always afraid that it might come “back to haunt me”as the saying goes.

In my heart I know that I love God, and that He is within me, and sometimes I feel so full of Him that I am just overwelmed.

We were asked last night what  our “stronghold”might be. I have more than one, but I think a big one of mine, from years back, is insecurity. I remember always thinking my younger sister was so much smarter than I, was thinner than I, could be more athletic than I, had blond curls…well you get the picture.

Now I realize that was partly true, but she also applied herself to whatever she was doing so much more than I did, hence the better grades etc. However I never did get over the thought that she was so much smarter and so much taller and so much thinner than I was, and that has never left me.

Why do I feel that way? I was certainly loved by my Mom and Dad. I even did so much more with my Dad than my brother or sister. As I look over my life I think I never really liked myself very much.

Thats enough for now.  More later.

Patton-by Agostino Von Hassell and Ed Breslin

I hated this book. No matter how many times I tried to read it, I just could not make myself read it. A man as interesting as Patton shouldn’t be hard to write about…what happened here?

I wanted to appreciate Patton more but couldn’t do it from this book. Sorry.

Guess what. It worked.

We went to the  Caribram festival in Barrie this aft.

It was but sooooo long and drawn out. Pretty costumes, though.

Today I am trying to put something in my Blog.

Why do I always feel so helpless, Lord.

Here goes…….

today I did………

looking forward to birthday cake, and another year older, drat……

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